Divorce Can Lead to Better Things

17 05 2010

I went through the divorce mill and came out the other side feeling better for it. However, it was not plain sailing. The breakup was tough, really tough. Firstly, I was shocked to learn that my wife was having an affair. It hit me like a train; I was torn apart. Secondly, divorce was not in my script at all, so when I saw my marriage crumbling beyond repair after nearly twenty years together and three kids, I was totally disoriented.

In fact, my whole life disintegrated. My family was in tatters; I was no longer a husband or life-partner and was struggling to remain a father. I lost all sense of who I was and my confidence plummeted. I felt completely deskilled instead of the reasonably competent person I had been. Every one of my accounts was called in – I stood naked at the counter of life. For me this was loss on a grand scale. Most of all, I felt emasculated and impotent in all senses.

Somehow I managed to turn the situation around. It took time, of course, and I was fortunate to have help, in the form of therapy. The therapy helped me to rebuild my confidence, to start believing in myself and to put myself center-stage. I shed a lot of my emotional armor and began to develop an awareness of my feelings. This fundamentally changed the way I functioned, shifting me from being ‘in my head’ to being ‘in my heart’ more; from looking out to looking inward. I gradually came to the realization that “it’s all in me”, that we see the world as we are, not as it is.

As I lifted the lid on my emotions and got in touch with my anger and my grief, so I found it easier to deal with my situation, particularly vis-à-vis my ‘wife’. I moved from a position of feeling weak and powerless to one in which I felt passionate and powerful. This turnaround stood me in good stead throughout our protracted divorce. In addition, I got the whiff of freedom in my nostrils; colors suddenly seemed brighter, smells sharper. My kingdom was smaller but at least it was mine; I was in charge of my own life. I learned to enjoy my unmediated contact with my children and not having to consult another person constantly. When my wife was away there was a welcome feeling of calm, relaxation and ease in the house that I came to appreciate.

My battered ego was given a boost once I started dating other women. I began to feel like a sexually attractive man, something I had not felt in relation to my wife, even in relatively good times. Just going for a walk and holding hands with a new woman was exciting. Naturally, I did not hit it off with every new woman I met, but I did with a few, which was enough to show me that alternatives existed. There are lots of fish in the sea.

With hindsight, I can see that what initially seemed like a double blow – my wife’s betrayal coupled with the sense of abandonment I felt as a child of ten when my mother died – eventually became a transformative experience for me. The change I underwent allowed me to enter into an exhilarating and loving relationship with the woman of my dreams.

While in the throes of divorce, I was sure my days of despair would never end. But as my story indicates, there is a way through the trauma of a breakup. Handled correctly and with a bit of help it can lead to better things. Better than you ever imagined.

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4 responses

6 03 2011
Sammy R.

Amazing. It’s inspiring hearing stories like this. I took a similar path, of spirituality (not religion) and found that yoga and meditation helped me heal immensely. As you said, turning inward was the key. I just came out of a short but relatively intense relationship. It was the first woman I was together with since my separation last year (which is why it was intense…for me anyway). She was very different from my ex, and I realized more what I value in a partner, and realized how much I compromised while being with my ex. So while it sucked that this relationship didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I’m able to fully appreciate what she taught me about myself.

You’re a strong man. I know what I had to (and have to) go through, and your situation was/is much more difficult, so I can only imagine what you went through. All the best.

14 03 2011
LEO AVERBACH

Hi Sammy, Thanks for your story and your interest. Sounds like you are in a good place with yourself, and that is what counts. I do think that turning inward was the key change I made. Overall, the transformation I underwent allowed me to establish better relationships at all levels and you seem to be experiencing something similar. Good luck.

16 08 2014
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Thanks for some other excellent article. Where else may
just anyone get that type of info in such an ideal method of
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18 08 2014
LEO AVERBACH

Hi Tami, I am not clear about what type of info you mean. You are welcome to read all by articles and you may also like to see my short e-book BreakupAid. Best, Leo

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